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Top Ten New Years Resolutions You Will Break
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Top Ten New Years Resolutions You Will Break

Every year, it’s the same old story. You look back on the past year and realize what you need to change to improve your life in the upcoming year. So you take out a pad and a pen and you start to make a list of New Year’s resolutions you will strive to undertake. Some items will be things you will resolve never to do again, or quit: Stop Smoking, Eat Less Junk Food, Spend Less, etc. Other items are things you promise yourself you will start adopting or doing on a regular basis: Exercise More, Loose Weight, Get Organized, etc.

However, who are you kidding. Between you and me, we both know that none of these resolutions will last much longer than the first few weeks of January. So, in the spirit of crushing your hopes and dreams of a more fruitful 2008, I have taken a list of the Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions and wrote why you will fail at fulfilling any of them.

1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends

Ha, forget it! You’ve got so much pent up passive aggression following Christmas Eve’s incident with your cousin Bill that you’re about to explode and kill of an entire colony of endangered sea turtles. Face it folks. Nobody likes their family. That’s why we only see them once or twice a year, during the holidays. After which, we resolve never to talk to them again, unless one of the dies. In which case there will be an estate to fight over. No love lost there. And your friends? You see them every Friday while you watch the big game or whatever, or perhaps during your Self Discovery, Inner Peace, Friends of the Rain Forest, Yoga / Pilates class at the rec center. You spend enough time with your friends. Let them be.

2. Fit in Fitness / Exercise More

Ok. So you get up early (insert ungodly hour here) on January 2nd, attempt to stretch, do a few sit-ups and resolve to exercise in the new year. You get into your shiny SUV, drive to whatever Gym floats your boat, speak to an uncannily healthy and lean membership rep, throw your credit card at them and agree to pay $50.00 / month for the next 12 in the hopes that you will look like your favorite celebrity in no time. Not gonna happen. Face it, the only exercise you get or will get in the new year is power surfing The Shopping Channel hoping to buy a set of cute Collectible Figurines before they sell out.

3. Tame the Bulge / Loose Weight

See previous entry. Listen, the reason Junk food is good is because it is loaded with Everything that is not good for you. Sugar, Sugar, and more Sugar. So go ahead, fire up that industrial strength Turkey Deep Fryer and throw in a truck load worth of Chocolate bars. MMMMM…. DEEP FRIED CHOCOLATE BARS…..

4. Quit Smoking

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hold on, let me repeat myself. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah Right, like this will ever happen. You’ve probably already smoked 3 cigarettes just reading this blog post. You’re so juiced up on nicotine that if you attempted to quit, you’d be more likely to start a unilateral peasant revolt in Wako Texas than successfully kick this habit. So get those pitch forks ready.

5. Enjoy Life More

Well, this is a bit of an arbitrary subject since we all Enjoy Life differently. However, we can all agree that whatever it is that we like doing, we wish we had more time / energy / focus to do it. It’s just not going to happen. Therefore, I implore you, go ahead and buy that Tahitian Monk Rejuvenation CD and chant away!!!

6. Quit Drinking

OK, so it’s probably 9:30 AM, you’re stuck in your Cubicle Farm at Initech (screw u Initrode!) reading this useless blog post. Admit it, by now, you’ve already thought about going to the pub around the corner and ordering a double shot of hard liquor. And they’re not even open. They don’t open until 11 AM, when the regular drunks stumble in. Listen, many beautiful things have been created either due to or in spite of inebriation. Revel in your intoxication. Do it for ME.

7. Get out of Debt / Stop Spending

That’ll be $9.95 please. However, for a limited time only, you can finance your subscription to this blog in 32 arbitrarily equal payments*. Please inquire within.
* Offer subject to change. OAC. Interest rate is calculated based on the future value of your yet to be born child which you’ve signed over to us. Albeit of questionable legality, we will attempt to charge you a percentage of interest roughly similar to the Gross National Product of Liberia, and possibly higher. Quite higher, let’s say around 326.44% per day. In fact, you will end up paying us about $43,000.00 for the $9.95 offer you financed. We love capitalism. Do you?

8. Learn Something New

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. So, I assume you are an old dog, regardless of your actual age.

9. Help Others

Hey, would you mind terribly swinging by my place later on and taking out the trash? Oh, and while you’re at it, would it be a terrible imposition to ask you to remodel my kitchen? It’s sooooo 70’s chic. If you are like the Editorial staff of NYGB, and we will assume you are, you can’t help yourself. How will you help others?

However, should we be wrong about this, we also have some office space that needs cleaning. Must bring own dust pan.

10. Get Organized

Was this on your To Do List for the new year? Go check, i’ll wait…. Can’t find the list? Do you remember where you put it? Perhaps it is among that collection of bottle caps you have taking up space in the garage…. No? Still can’t find it? Anyway, what was I saying?

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January 4th, 2008(1) Comment[s]Trackback URL
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